I want to complete this post before the clock ticks to 1159 PM. There is exactly 30 more days to o levels including today. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I will be left with 29 more days to get prepared. This whole month was totally demoralising. All I felt was demoralised and demoralized. I don't know what's the difference. A friend asked me if I was ready. Honestly, I don't know. That was my reply. I do not have the courage to say that I am well-prepared already. Neither am I entirely unprepared for my national exams.
I know numerous people out there have high hopes on me but I am just not as good as they think I am. Many people keep trying to convince me that I am doing well and complimenting me. Honestly, I am not. However, I do not want to let anyone down. I am trying hard to stay focused and take sufficient rest when needed but I realise I'm outrageous. My time management is horrible and my attention span can be as short as 5 minutes. I though I spent a long time studying and when I unlock my phone and look at the time, only few minutes have passed.
''Not what I expected''. No amount of apologies could compensate the disappointment I brought to people who expected me to do well. I don't know how I should improve myself. I always put so much pressure on myself which results in self-doubt. The fear of not being able to meet with the expectations of my own and of others makes me nervous and cause me to perform badly.
I have actually realised earlier on that I have been enjoying what I am doing all this while. I mean the subject combination. This is what I wanted and I achieved it when I was a Secondary 2 student two years back. However the fear of not being able to do what I like in the future is drowning me. This is the reason I have worked so hard for but why am I on the verge of giving up now?
These are the thoughts that have been haunting me this entire month. You may think it's no big deal or perhaps I just think too much. Then maybe you're right. I guess we ought to reflect on ourselves and hm different people comes up with different conclusions for themselves. So I'd appreciate if you don't judge mine. Please also do not mention this when we are talking because I won't want to talk to you about this. Thanks.