I don't know how should I say or describe about yesterday morning. Let's just say I was feeling extremely bored, so I started to let my thoughts run wild. Then I thought I might need someone to talk to. But i don't know who. So I just randomly picked one of my closer ones which is zoe(plain boredness), missed call her(my phone can't do outgoing calls) oh and i can't call joey, both of our phones cannot make it.(as in no money call) she returned me with a text, asking me if I needed to talk to her or what(that was what the message meant, roughly) I hesistated and decided not to give a reply(i'm sorry).
So. Because I really have nothing to do, I borrowed a piece of foolscap from est and started writing. I was feeling so horrible. The thought of all that making me feel hell. I kept thinking and thinking. I suddenly realized what it means by missing someone dearly. But I am not sure if I do. I thought of what jerald and jp told me, i kept having doubts. I continued and just wrote on. I skipped my recess because I really have no appetite at all. I teared while writing all the nonsense. I really really wished someone was there at the moment, but who?
I became so sad i keep trying to hide. But to no avail, my tears kept flowing down unknowingly, not under my control anymore. To an extent that I have to go to the toilet to calm myself down. I was telling jp i am sad i am sad i am so very sad. But when he asked me what is it I am sad about I didn't utter a word. I kept silent and just shook my head. It's dumb of me to do that I know. but what else can i do? I don't know what is the correct method to get rid of that irritating feeling. I have made several attempts but everytime it ends up the same, it would work out awhile then end up me feeling horrible all over again.
I'm sorry to friends whom I didn't speak the truth to yesterday. It's my fault, sorry. I just didn't felt and don't know how to express my feeling at the point of time. I was teary the whole day. ass. By the way, if you do respect me, please do not probe me about this. It's too private and confidential.
Also, my classmates always says I am forever sad, I don't smile and laugh. I don't like the way you people say I am sad. I AM SAD. but so what? but how? it couldn't be helped at all. I don't wanna be this way too. I tried to blend in everytime but I fail everytime. This circle just doesn't suits me i guess. I am always happier outside than I am in class. I even like somehow teared when N/R talked to me, and apparently his joke was funny, but I was just forcing a smile while on the other hand those damn tears were welling up in my eyes. kept thinking 'bout all the impossiblities. tearing and crying is all i can do, because if i don't it'll be all coop in my heart and it will be very unbearable for me.
Still, I felt whole lot better in the noon after being with my very very very good friends who never failed to make me laugh. LOL
I ALWAYS BELIEVED THIS WAS A JOKE. AND I HOPE IT WILL STAY THAT WAY. BUT AT ANOTHER CORNER, DO I REALLY FEEL THIS WAY? WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT, NOBODY CAN TELL.